[MajestyJo]

Detachment is both an act and an art. It is a way of life. I believe it is also a gift. And it will be given to those who seek it.

How do we detach? How do we extricate our emotions, mind, body, and spirit from the agony of entanglement? As best we can. And, probably, a bit clumsily at first. An old A.A. and AI-Anon saying suggests a three-part formula called "HOW": Honesty, Openness, and Willingness to try.

In the chapters ahead, I will discuss some specific concepts for detaching from certain forms of attachment. Many of the other concepts I will discuss later will lead to detachment. You will have to decide how these ideas apply to you and your particular situation and then find your own path. With a little humility, surrender, and effort on your part, I believe you can do it. I believe detachment can become a habitual response, in the same manner that obsessing, worrying, and controlling became habitual responses-by practice. You may not do it perfectly, but no one has. However, and at whatever pace, you practice detachment in your life, I believe it will be right for you. I hope you will be able to detach with love for the person or persons you are detaching from. I think it is better to do everything in an attitude of love. However, for a variety of reasons, we can't always do that. If you can't detach in love, it is my opinion that it is better to detach in anger rather than to stay attached. If we are detached, we are in a better position to work on (or through) our resentful emotions. If we're attached, we probably won't do anything other than stay upset.

When should we detach? When we can't stop thinking, talking about, or worrying about someone or something; when our emotions are churning and boiling; when we feel like we have to do something about someone because we can't stand it another minute; when we're hanging on by a thread, and it feels like that single thread is frayed; and when we believe we can no longer live with the problem we've been trying to live with. It is time to detach! You will learn to recognize when detachment is advisable. A good rule of thumb is: You need to detach most when it seems the least likely or possible thing to do.

I'll close this chapter with a true story. One night about midnight my telephone rang. I was in bed and wondered, as I picked up the receiver, who was calling me at that hour. I thought it had to be an emergency. In a way it was an emergency. It was a stranger. She had been calling various friends all evening, trying to find some kind of consolation. Apparently, she hadn't been able to find it. Someone had given her someone else's phone number, that person had given her someone else's phone number, and the last person had suggested she call me.

Immediately upon introducing herself, the woman exploded in a tirade. Her husband used to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. He had separated from her, and now he was seeing another woman because he wanted to "find himself." Furthermore, before he left her, he had been acting really crazy and didn't go to meetings. And she wondered, isn't he acting crazy now by dating a woman who is that much younger than him?

I was speechless at first, then found it hard to find a chance to talk. She went on and on. Finally she asked, "Don't you think he's sick? Don't you think he's acting crazy? Don't you think something should be done about him?"

"That could be," I replied. "But obviously I can't do it, and neither can you. I'm more concerned about you. What are you feeling? What do you think? What do you need to do to take care of yourself?"

I shall say the same thing to you, dear reader. I know you have problems. I understand that many of you are deeply grieved over, and concerned about, certain people in your lives. Many of them may be destroying themselves, you, and your family, right before your eyes. But I can't do anything to control those people; and you probably can't either. If you could, you probably would have done it by now.

Detach. Detach in love, or detach in anger, but strive for detachment. I know it's difficult, but it will become easier with practice. If you can't let go completely, try to "hang on loose." Relax. Sit back. Now, take a deep breath. The focus is on you.

Detachment is the :

.Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.

.Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.

.Giving another person "the space" to be him or herself.

.Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.

.Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.

.Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.

.Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.

.Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.

.Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling.

.Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

.Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on to beyond a reasonable and rational point.

.Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

.Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."

.Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

• In order to become detached from a person, place, or thing you need to:
  
  1. Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place, or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.
  
  2. Take back power over your feelings from persons, places, or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well being.
  
  3. "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons, places, and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.
  
  4. Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue, or heal other persons, places, and things.
  
  5. Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal, or rescue another person, place, or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.
  
  6. Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for another to recognize that there is something' , wrong" with them that needs changing.
  
  7. Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.
  
  8. Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings, and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places, or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.
  
  9. Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are' , sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places, and things.
  
  10. Accept that many people, places, and things in your past and current life are "irrational," "unhealthy," and "toxic" influences in your life, them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.
  
  11. Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.
  
  12. Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix, or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.

There are no guarantees with this disease. It is cunning, baffling and powerful. Even if he went for help to quit, there is no promises, but there was hope for me. My son is in treatment at the moment, but I know it is a day at a time. Before, I thought he was going to choose to carry the message, "to use is to die" yet when he got sick and tired of being tired and sick he went for help. I was as powerless over his disease as I was my own. I had to come to a place of acceptance. I also set up boundaries, he wasn't allowed in my home when he was using. Sobriety for me is "Peace of Mind." I prefer to safe guard that to the best of my ability and thanks to the program, I have new tools to help me.

You are the only one who can make the decision as to whether you choose to stay with him and the drinking.

"Worry is fear that hasn't said it's prayers." Not sure if that is exact, but it is what struck home for me. Jo