[MajestyJo]

All of my life, I want to belong. I wanted to be part of the in crowd. I wanted to fit in. I wanted you to love and accept me. The problem was I wasn't sure that you could accept me for who I was, because I couldn't accept me because I thought I was ugly, stupid, and because I felt less than, I role played and tried to become the person you wanted me to be.

I don't think I could be called shy, but I lacked self-confidence. I had trouble putting into words what I wanted to say. I wanted to say the words you wanted to hear. I wanted to win your approval and have you affirm my worth and as the old saying goes, "Are you trying to convince me or yourself!"

A girl I worked with told me at 17 that she was nervous and fearful of me. This was after she got to know me and realized that I wasn't this prim and proper miss who didn't smile, who dressed in black and put on this sophisticated face which hid a feeling of terror and insecurity. I started as a file clerk. I asked questions. I wanted to know. I didn't want to appear stupid. I wanted to be in the 'know' and have the answers. I wanted to be indispensible and set out to be Ms. Perfect. The woman who ended up working in every department in an office and becoming an office manager. Who tired to do the work of three people and wondered why she didn't measure up and felt less than. Never content to just be and to be 'average' and like other people. It was either rebel or mask who I was, and over the years, every time I picked up a person, place or thing, I lost a piece of me. When I found recovery, there was very little of me left. Who was I? What do I like? What makes me happy? I didn't know!

To be continued...