Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2013
 

January 7, 2013

Quote of the Week

"Trying to understand God just makes
His job harder."

I can't tell you how much time I've spent trying to figure out who or what God is. I've spent years trying to understand the Catholic God I was raised with, and more years trying to define God from a philosophical perspective, then years denying the whole idea of God by becoming an agnostic and even a part time atheist. It seemed the more I tried to understand God, the further away from Him I got.

Even in early recovery I tried to figure God out - this time through the 'open assignment' of defining a God of my own understanding. You can imagine how that went. I thought about, analyzed and tried once again to understand who or what God was. After a while I grew just as despondent and felt just as far away as before. And that's when I finally surrendered.

Once I gave up trying to understand God and instead looked at the evidence of God's presence in my life, I began to develop a knowing that went beyond understanding. Suddenly I just knew that a force was working miracles in my life, that it was always available to me, and that it would never let me down.

This knowing is what I now call faith, and now I understand why trying to figure God out just makes His job harder...

January 14, 2013

Quote of the Week

"In recovery there are no losers, just slow winners."

I remember being in early recovery and feeling so bad that I just knew it wasn't working. I'd tell my sponsor about it, and I can still hear him saying, "Michael, you're exactly where you should be, and that's exactly what you should be feeling right now." At first I thought he was just handing me a line, but after a while I believed him and learned to trust in the slow progress I was making in recovery.

Years later I'd hear other newcomers complain about how bad they felt and about how terrible of a day they were having. I can still hear the old timers ask them if they had a drink that day. "No," they'd respond. "Then no matter bad you think you're doing, when you lay your head on your pillow tonight you're a winner." It was comforting to hear that back then, and it still is today.

Now that I've been in recovery a while I understand the wisdom in this week's quote. It doesn't matter what you're going through in recovery or how you feel, the fact that you are in recovery, that you have a program, and that you're developing or improving your conscious contact with a power greater than yourself means that you've already won. You may feel like a loser temporarily, but most of the time and in the long run you'll live a life filled with the joys and miracles of recovery.

Over time you, too, will come to see that in recovery there are no losers, just slow winners.

January 21, 2013

Quote of the Week

"If you stay on the train long enough,
the scenery will change."

Whenever I talk to a newcomer, I remember the insanity of early recovery. I used to talk in endless circles about my problems and about the people, places and things responsible for them. I went on and on about how I could never stop drinking, and I was convinced the program wouldn't work for me. I didn't believe it when people told me, "This too shall pass," but I was out of options so I kept showing up hoping they were right...

It took many months of staying sober and working the program, but things did begin to change. I began feeling better physically, my head cleared, and I became open to a new way of living. As I took different actions, I got different results and after a while my life improved. More importantly, I developed the perspective of recovery, and I learned, first hand, that things do change as long as I'm willing to change first.

Today I know that I can only keep changing and keep growing if I stay on the train of recovery. No matter what the scenery looks like today - and sometimes it's not so pretty! - as long as I continue to grow along spiritual lines, I know that it will change and things will get better. This has been my consistent and enduring experience, and I now live by and trust in the knowledge that:

If you stay on the train long enough, the scenery will definitely change.

January 28, 2013

Quote of the Week

"The Power behind me is bigger than the problem in front of me."

Before recovery I faced life alone. It was up to me to manage all of life, to try to arrange things to get what I wanted, and to solve the problems I encountered. This was an exhausting task and at times the mere thought of my current problems, or problems unforeseen, would overwhelm me leaving me depressed and listless. "How can I keep getting up in the morning feeling this way?" was a thought I often had.

In the rooms of recovery, the first great relief I had came from the energy of the collective spirit I felt from all the people who had already recovered. Suddenly, I was no longer alone, and now I, too, had access to solutions and a new way of living and dealing with life. Most important of all, I discovered a Power Greater than myself, and I grew to trust and rely on this Power I now call God.

Today, after years of trying and relying on this Power, I have the confidence that comes from faith because I know that by relying on God's solutions to my life and problems, I am always taken care of. Whenever I remember (the Real Secret) to include or turn to God for life's answers, I am amazed and delighted by how problems melt, situations change, and my life flows like the of river peace I believe God is. Today, the Power behind me is bigger than the problem in front of me.

February 4, 2013

Quote of the Week

"The bottom starting falling out faster than
I could lower my standards."

The last few years of my drinking and using sure were ugly. It had stopped working long before I got sober, but I had failed to realize it. Instead, I obsessively pursued oblivion, and all those things I said I would never do passed by as quickly as do the stories of a building to a man who has just jumped off. Hurtling toward real oblivion, I had lost all self respect, self control, and was about to lose my life.

As I sat in meetings during early recovery, I used to hear people talk about hanging out with their "lower companions." This brought to mind all the 'nowhere' people I had taken to hanging around with, too, and I was disgusted that I had stooped so low. I'll never forget the shock I felt when my sponsor pointed out that I had been their lower companion as well. Boy did that put me in my place.

When I look back on my past, a wave of deep gratitude washes over me. I don't know why I get to be one of the lucky ones, but I do. As I look at my life today, I smile because most people think I'm a pretty OK kind of a guy. And today, not only do I have standards again, but they keep getting higher.
How's that for a true gift of recovery?

February 11, 2013

Quote of the Week

"When you are in fear you should remember to T.R.U.S.T. - Try Really Using Step Three."

When I first heard this quote a great release and calm came over me. It was as if I had let go of all the fear, dread, and self-pity I had been carrying. In an instant I shifted from my will to God's will, and the peace and comfort I felt reminded me, yet again, that it works when I become willing to work it.

There is so much power and wisdom in step three. It first reminds me that the peace and serenity I get from turning my will and life over to God is always just a decision away. I have the choice today of either staying in fear or of surrendering my will to the care of my Higher Power. And though often overlooked, the word "care" makes my decision easy.

After years of working this step, I have come to trust that God's will for me is always better than anything I can think of for myself. While in the grip of self-centered fear it may be sometimes hard to remember this, my experience is that when I really try working the third step my relief and release always comes.

Today my way out of fear is to T.R.U.S.T.

February 18, 2013

Quote of the Week

"It's the first drink that gets you drunk."

For years this saying made no sense to me. It wasn't the first drink, I argued, but rather the seventh or tenth drink that got me drunk. I'd been able to control my drinking for a long time, and with a lot of will power I'd been able to limit my drinking to a few glasses. Towards the end though, I'd inevitably have that sixth or seventh or more drink and end up roaring drunk. If only I could regain control, I thought, and when I entered the program, I secretly hoped I'd learn how.

I remember sharing with my sponsor my desire to once again control and enjoy my drinking. He said, "Heck, when I controlled my drinking, I didn't enjoy it, and when I enjoyed it, I couldn't control it." Boy did that make sense. He then told me that for him one drink was too much and a thousand was never enough because once he started, he could no longer stop. And that's when I began to understand.

Today I know very well that if I began drinking again, even one drink, it would soon enough lead to ten, and I'd be drunk. I don't know when I crossed the line into full blown alcoholism, but I did. I now know there is no going back. The good news is that I no longer fantasize about being able to control it again, because I know that it's the first drink that will get me drunk.

February 25, 2013

Quote of the Week

"The 'why' questions keep us in the problem."

In recovery I have learned that the "why" questions always keep me in the problem. Questions like: "Why did that have to happen?" Or, "Why didn't/couldn't she do this?" Or, "Why does it always have to turn out that way?" Or, "Why can't I catch a break just once?" etc, etc... 'Why' questions not only keep me focused on the problem, but they almost always turn me into a victim as well.

As I work the steps of the program, many wonderful things happen in my life beginning with an awareness of my thinking and self talk. My sponsor taught me about the why questions and encouraged me to look for solutions using who, what, how and where questions instead.

Today when I have a problem or situation I don't like, I ask questions like: "What are three things I can do right now to remedy this?" Or, "Who might have experience with this that I can call for help?" Or, "What lessons are here for me to learn and grow from?" Or, "Where can I get a solution for this?" These are the questions I ask today to help me get out of the problem and into the solution. My question for you is - "Who do you know who might enjoy this quote?" Pass it on!

March 4, 2013

Quote of the Week

"Keep the lesson, but throw away the experience."

Boy this quote gave me a jolt when I first heard it. For years I'd been so wrapped up in the drama of my life, I never stopped to look at what I could have learned from it. Events seemed to descend on me, each like the one before it, but because I wasn't learning the lessons, I didn't know I was destined to keep repeating the experiences.

When I was new in recovery, I used to complain to my sponsor all the time. "And then this happened to me, and she didn't do this, and they told me this..." and on and on. He would listen very patiently then ask, "And what is your part again?" After I'd figure out where I was at fault, I'd find the solution - and that always led to the lesson.

Today I don't have to keep reliving experiences, and I don't have to drag the past into the future either. Because of the 10th Step, each night I can review the experiences of the day, look at my part, and discover and grow from the lesson. It's always there if I'm willing to be honest.

Today, I've learned to keep the lesson but throw away the experience.

March 11, 2013

Quote of the Week

"I may not always know what God's will is, but I ALWAYS know what His will is NOT."

In the beginning of my recovery, I had a hard time figuring out what God's will for me might be. It helped a little when my sponsor explained that turning my "will and my life" over meant my thoughts and my actions, but listening for and understanding what direction He wanted me to take left me confused and frustrated.

As I continued to struggle with this, I heard today's quote and I suddenly had my answer. I have found that when I'm considering many courses of action or trying to make a decision, instead of wondering which one would be in alignment with God's will it's much easier to ask which ones are clearly not His will. If I'm honest and able to put self-seeking aside, the answer is always clear.

It's kind of like when I pull up to a four way stop sign and look around wondering who's turn is next. While I may not know for sure what I do know is that it's not my turn. It's the same thing with figuring out God's will today. Any choice that puts my wants and needs first is not God's will.

Once I've identified those, it's easy to decide which actions or decisions to make.

March 18, 2013

Quote of the Week

"If I don't go to meetings, I don't hear what
God wants me to hear."

Before recovery, I kept a lot of lower companion company. I worked with a bunch of self-serving thieves who wanted the easy way out at the expense of others. My friends were alcoholics or drug addicts who were great to party with but not much help when I needed to move. Eventually I ended up lower than them all and was isolated, angry and out of options.

When I crawled into the rooms, it was suggested that I go to a lot of meetings and start paying attention to what I heard. When one of my old friends said that I was being brainwashed, I brought this up to my sponsor. He told me that from what he had heard from me so far, my brain could use some washing! As much as I didn't want to admit it, he was right, and over the years I've heard exactly what I've needed to hear from someone sharing in a meeting.

I've always been in awe of the wisdom that comes from the rooms. Even today, when I think I know it all, I'm amazed by what can come out of a newcomer's mouth. When I'm feeling scared, or discouraged, or disconnected, I almost always hear just what I need to change my perspective and find a solution. Today, when I'm feeling too busy or too comfortable to go, I remind myself that if I don't keep going to meetings, I won't keep hearing what God wants me to hear.

March 25, 2013

Quote of the Week

"Let us love you until you learn to love yourself."

This is one of my favorite quotes and it meant so much to me in early recovery. When I got to the program the voices in my head were so filled with hatred and self-loathing that it was no wonder I was destroying my life. I remember sitting in meetings feeling so down on myself, and then I'd hear this saying and a dim light of hope would shine in me and I'd think, "If these people are willing to love and accept me, then maybe I'm not the lost cause I think I am."

I heard a speaker once talk about coming into the program with negative, destructive self-esteem. Boy could I identify. He then said that after years of working the steps, and after thousands of meetings, he'd actually been able to claw his way up to low self-esteem! We all laughed at this, but it taught me an important lesson - developing healthy self-esteem is a process that takes work.

Thank God I don't have to do this work alone. People in the rooms are glad to help me and love me while I work and grow and learn to love myself. It's not always easy, and I'm often my own worst critic, but by letting others in, by listening to their perception of me, and by accepting their love, I've indeed learned to have love for myself. And what a precious miracle that is for me today.

April 1, 2013

Quote of the Week

"Without tolerance for another, it's hard to
have empathy for myself"

Tolerant was one of the last words you would have used to describe me before I entered the program. Instead, I was quick to judge you and could always find fault with what you said, or how you're dressed, or what you did. My opinion of myself was so low that I constantly had to rip you down to build myself up. Living this way made me bitter, isolated and resentful.

As I listed my resentments in my fourth step, and more importantly my part, I began to see how much my fear and low self-esteem drove my decisions and actions, hurting both myself and others. But as I listened to others sharing honestly and openly about their struggles and fears, I began to feel a connection, and for the first time an empathy for others.

I once read a description of empathy as being an emotional echo that is sent out to the inner center of another person and that returns with pieces of yourself. And once I began finding pieces of myself in other people's stories, I began to look for the shared humanity in our experiences. And that's when I began to develop tolerance and compassion for others as well as for myself.

Today I understand that without tolerance for another, it's hard to have empathy for myself.

April 8, 2013

Quote of the Week

"When I say NO to you, I'm saying YES to me."

Before recovery, I wasn't very good at setting personal boundaries and when people asked me to do things, I almost always said yes - despite the emotional, physical or financial costs to me. For years I blamed and resented people for taking advantage of me, and it took me a long time in recovery to believe that saying no was not only my right, but my responsibility to myself as well.

It's still hard for me to say no to people, however. Even though I'm much better at it and do it much more frequently, I still feel like I'm letting someone down and often feel guilty for quite a while. When I heard today's quote, I finally understood why.

Saying no to you means that I'm saying yes to myself, and that concept is still foreign to me. Having been raised to disregard my needs and wants, the idea of honoring and respecting them is something that still takes contrary action for me to reinforce. The good news today is that the more I do it the better I feel, and I know that each time I do my self-esteem gets a little stronger.

Today it's a little easier to say no to you because it feels better when I say yes to myself.

April 15, 2013

Quote of the Week

"The only thing worse than my problems
are my solutions to them."

Before recovery, I couldn't understand why my life wasn't getting better despite what I did to fix it. If my boss was a jerk, I'd quit. If my girlfriend wasn't paying attention to me, I'd go out with someone else. If my landlord didn't like it when I was late with the rent, I'd move. No matter what I tried, things only seemed to get worse.

When I began working the program, I told my sponsor all about my problems. He listened for a while and then asked me how good of an employee, boyfriend, and renter I had been. At first I was insulted, but then he told me to carefully write about each problem focusing only on my part. Well....that certainly opened my eyes.

After many thorough inventories, what I've found is that all my problems start with me, and the reason my solutions make them worse is because they are driven by the same selfishness or self-centered fear that caused them to begin with. Today the only solutions that work start by acknowledging where I've been at fault, and end with a sincere desire and offer to make amends.

Today I have solutions that make my life better.

April 22, 2013

Quote of the Week

"There are two sure ways to get out of fear - either make a decision or take action."

I don't know about you, but before recovery it was easy for me to be paralyzed by fear. Fear of the past, of the future, of an event or situation - often I would find myself numb, indecisive and unable to do anything except obsess over the numerous negative outcomes awaiting me. Fear dominated my life, and I didn't know how to escape its dark prison. But that changed when I began to recover.

One of the first things I began building when I started working the steps was a spiritual toolkit. The tools in this kit helped me to begin living life on life's terms, and taught me how to handle situations that used to baffle me. And two of the most important tools taught me how to deal with my fears.

The first tool I use to get out of fear is to make a decision. Since most of my fear is in my head and gains power by my obsessive thinking, I find that simply making a firm decision often disconnects the two and so frees me from fear's grip. Decisions usually point to actions I can take which immediately dissolve the fear and put me into a solution. As with all my tools, these are simple and effective but not always easy to practice. But like all spiritual tools in my toolkit, they work when I work them!

April 29, 2013

Quote of the Week

"It's not old behavior if I'm still doing it."

It's easy to let go of things that are causing more pain than pleasure. Like when my drinking and using was killing me, I stopped, and even though it was hard at first, I found that being sober really was the easier, softer way. But I still had a lot of old ideas and behaviors that still worked sometimes, and letting these go was not so easy.

As I sat in meeting after meeting, I would hear that "the result was nil until we let go absolutely", and I never really got it. I mean, I was certainly getting results - I was clean and sober; I got my job back, and I began repairing broken relationships. But there were also times when I was intensely unhappy, irritable, and needed and wanted a drink. It took a long while for me to see that these feelings almost always followed old ways of thinking and behaving.

The longer I'm in recovery, the more I understand the value of steps six and seven. My old behaviors will continue just so long as I remain unwilling to give up the character defects that cause them. But when I do become willing, something wonderful happens - my Higher Power does for me what I can't do for myself - and that is relieve me of my old ways of thinking and acting.

Today I understand when they say, "It's not an old behavior if you're still doing it."

May 6, 2013

Quote of the Week

"If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy."

Gratitude lists have been an important tool in my spiritual tool kit for a long time. Whenever I feel the old self-pity creep back in, I get out a piece of paper, number it from one to fifty, and start making a list of all the things I'm grateful for. While this always makes me feel better, there have been times when I've wished I had a newer car, or a bigger house, etc.. That is why today's quote means so much to me.

No matter how much money, property or prestige I have, there will always be those out there with more. What I am reminded of today is that real riches come from within, and that what gives me the feelings of peace and comfort I seek outside of myself comes from the things money can't buy.

Today I've learned to keep material things to a minimum on my gratitude list. The true riches in my life today start with the gifts of my recovery - the meaningful relationships I have, my connection with my Higher Power, and a true appreciation for all the opportunities I have to be useful to other people. This kind of gratitude list is endless and, when I finish it, I feel alive and vital.

Today, the real riches in my life come from counting and appreciating the things I have that money can't buy.

May 13, 2013

Quote of the Week

"I've learned to say, 'You may be right.'"

Before recovery I thought I knew it all. When someone disagreed with me, I'd argue and go out of my way to set them straight. I loved the saying, "Those people who think they know it all are especially annoying to those of us who do", and in the end I was self-righteous and smug. It's no wonder I didn't have many friends left.

When I began working with my sponsor, I started arguing with him too. At first he listened to me, but after a while he'd had enough. "Why don't you take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth," he suggested. I was too desperate to be indignant, so I followed his advice and began listening to what others were sharing in meetings. And that's when the miracle began for me.

Through listening to the experience, strength and hope of others, I not only learned that my way was not the only way; I learned that it was almost certainly not the right way for you. I learned that others had their own path, made their own mistakes and grew from their own experiences, and I came to see that your opinions were just as valuable as mine.

Most of all I learned to stop arguing because I learned how to say, "You may be right."

May 20, 2013

Quote of the Week

"A God small enough for me to understand wouldn't be large enough for me to trust."

What a stumbling block the "God" thing was for me in the beginning of my recovery. Having been raised Catholic, I was afraid of God and after a while rejected the whole idea outright. I mean, how could there be a God if children got cancer and wars in His name still ravaged the world? And now I was told that my very life and recovery was dependent on my ability to forge a relationship with God? What was I going to do?

The key for me was reframing the God concept as simply a power greater than myself. This put the mystery back in for me, and suddenly I didn't have to understand how God worked, and I didn't have to explain anything either. My proof of God was now clear enough - God clearly could do something that I alone couldn't do - relieve me of the desire to drink and use.

Today my concept and understanding of God doesn't get clearer, it gets more expansive. I've become more accepting of God's will, and time and time again find that things often work out for the best - despite what I initially thought. I've stopped trying to explain who or what God is and know that the infinite reality of the divine will always be beyond my finite understanding. I now know that a God small enough for me to understand wouldn't be large enough for me to trust.

I now know that a God small enough for me to understand wouldn't be large enough for me to trust.

May 27, 2013

Quote of the Week

"The program does for us slowly what alcohol and drugs did for us quickly"

I can clearly remember what I felt like before recovery. I was anxious, on edge, so uncomfortable with my life that I wanted and needed to escape. I can also remember the immediate sense of ease and comfort that came from the first hit of my drugs or alcohol. Suddenly, everything was OK, and the future actually had some hope in it.

This was my solution for a long time, and when it stopped working, I was truly at a jumping off point. In the beginning of my recovery, meetings and fellowship offered me temporary relief from the near constant dread and anxiety I felt. The problem was how to get by in between meetings, and I'll tell you, it was rough going for quite a while.

And that's when I heard someone share that "we go to meetings for relief, but we work the steps for recovery". As I worked my program, I found this to be true. The relief and sense of ease and comfort I used to get through using now began to be part of my every day experience. After a while, I actually had peace and serenity and most of the time felt comfortable in my own skin.

One day I realized that the program had done for me slowly what drugs and alcohol had done for me quickly.

June 3, 2013

Quote of the Week

"I want my Higher Power to live in my heart full time, but He'll only take a 24-hour lease."

It's amazing how good I feel when I get connected to my Higher Power. I do this when I pray and meditate in the mornings, or when I speak to or help someone in the program, or when I attend meetings. I love the peace I feel, the sense of belonging I have and the feelings of being comfortable in my own skin.

It's also amazing how I can wake up the next day and feel so disconnected. I've often asked my sponsor why I can't stay connected, and he tells me it's the same reason I can't stay full after I've eaten a meal. When I ask him to explain, he says:

"Because we are spiritual beings, we all have a hunger to connect with our source. Once connected, we are filled with the peace and serenity that is the nourishment of this union. As we go about our day expending energy - the biggest energy drain caused by thinking about ourselves - we quickly become depleted and hungry. That's why we need to continually take actions to restore our connection and move God back into our hearts."

"Even though my Higher Power will only take a 24-hour lease, I can take actions to renew it daily."

June 10, 2013

Quote of the Week

"You know you'll be back, so why
don't you just stay?"

When I had 93 days of sobriety, I went out. I coped a resentment at my Wednesday night meeting because they ran out of ninety day chips, so I stormed out, went home and drank. I still remember the feelings of relief I had as I drank that big glass of port wine - I was off the program and no longer had to descend into the pit of shame the steps were leading me into. Even so, I also knew there was no other way to recover and knew I'd be back.

After several months of drinking and yet still going to meetings, I finally quit for good. Once again, I started working the program all the while dreading the fourth step. When I got to it and starting making a list of resentments and my part in them, I truly felt I had descended into Hell and was sure that once my sins and secrets were revealed, I would be shunned, abandoned or even arrested.

What I found instead was amazing. Where I thought I would be alone, I found that people trudged the road with me, helped me and even understood. Where I thought I would find the darkest parts of myself, I found my connection to my Higher Power. When I thought I'd be abandoned, I found a great fellowship and know now that I don't ever have to be alone again.

Today, I encourage others who want to go out to stay - you know you'll be back anyway.

June 17, 2013

Quote of the Week

"When I entered recovery, I was dropped into the landscape of Grace."

Before recovery, my life was a living hell. Driven by an obsessive mind and a disease that wanted me dead (and settled for drunk), I was driven by a hundred forms of self-centered fear, and I felt alone and defenseless. I had no tools, no hope, and darkness filled my thoughts and painted my days. Finally, I hit bottom.

When I entered the rooms of recovery, I felt as if I had been lifted out of a sinking life raft, and dropped into a great big, safe ship. Meetings gave (and still give me) support, comfort, hope and help. The program provided me with the owner's manual to the life I had always wanted, and the greatest gift of all was a relationship with a loving and nurturing Higher Power.

Today I begin my days by turning my will and my life over to my Higher Power. By surrendering my will, asking for His guidance, and then seeking to do His work, I experience a freedom, a sense of purpose, and a state of serenity that is beautiful. It is Grace. Today I get to choose to live in this landscape of Grace, and for me that is the miracle of recovery.

June 24, 2013

Quote of the Week

"Relapse begins a long time before you pick up that first drink or drug."

I'm a three meeting minimum a week kind of guy. Anything below that and I begin feeling, well, kind of vulnerable. Oh, not that I'm going to pick up and use, but vulnerable to what my head tells me, and vulnerable to feeling more irritable, restless and discontented. I'm quicker to judge, and I begin storing resentments.

After a few weeks of that, it begins to get harder to make even two meetings a week. Soon I'm not answering my phone very much and calling my sponsor doesn't even occur to me. Work pressures mount, and on the way home you're not driving fast enough, and the parking lot is full, and Blockbuster doesn't have the movie I want. Suddenly the world is out of whack, and the idea of a drink seems not only natural, but completely reasonable as well.

I can't tell you the number of times I've heard people who relapse tell a story similar to the one above. It always scares the heck out of me because there have been times when I've begun to do down that same path. Thank God for my commitments, a strong support group, regular meetings I look forward to, and sponsees who continue to call me.

Today I have four meetings a week I go to - whether I need them or not - because I want to keep the distance between me a relapse as far apart as possible.

July 1, 2013

Quote of the Week

"Don't ruin an apology with an excuse."

Before recovery, I was full of excuses. I didn't do this because... I acted this way because she did that. He deserved it so I gave it to him, etc. On the rare occasion when I was cornered and couldn't justify my behavior, I'd make an apology - but I'd always qualify it with an excuse or at the very least a reason. The bottom line was that I could always place the blame outside of myself.

As I worked through the steps of the program, I discovered a fourth column in the fourth step called, "my part." This column formed the basis of my amends during the ninth step and taught me the proper definition of an apology.

My sponsor told me that when making an amends or an apology, I was to focus strictly on my part, ask if there were any other wrongs I was unaware of, and then ask what I could do to make things better. "You've done enough damage," I can still hear him tell me. "Whatever you do -

"Don't ruin your apology with an excuse."

July 8, 2013

Quote of the Week

"Negativity is my disease asking me to
come out to play."

Before recovery, I had just one voice in my head. Sometimes it was encouraging, even optimistic, but most of the time it was negative and defeatist. It told me things weren't going to get better, so why try? It said things were bad so why not at least feel better by drinking and using? Towards the end, the good part of that voice went away and all I heard was how bad things were and how much worse they were going to get. It's no wonder I hit bottom.

When I entered the program, I heard a lot of talk about the disease of alcoholism. At first my voice told me that was a bunch of crap, and that I was just bad, weak-willed or a loser. But as I got better and the positive voice returned, I discovered it was separate from the negative one. I realized there were actually two voices inside me and I began to understand the disease of alcoholism.

It's taken a long time to nurture and grow the positive voice of recovery, but now I recognize it as the truth spoken to me by my Higher Power. The negative voice is still there sometimes and it surprises me when I hear it, but I know it's my alcoholism, and I've learned to thank it for sharing and then to ignore it.

Today I know that negativity is just my disease asking me to come out to play, and I know now not to listen.

July 15, 2013

Quote of the Week

"If I keep doing what I was doing, I'll keep getting what I was getting."

I remember when I was new to recovery I was very willing to follow suggestions. I went to 90 in 90, and I got a home group, and I got 4 commitments, and I got a sponsor and worked the steps, etc. I did a lot and I got a lot - my life got better, I felt better, situations improved and I began to recover. Even the promises began to come true.

Now that I'm deep in recovery, I find that I'm not as active as I used to be. I still go to meetings and I have commitments, but I find I'm not doing all the things I used to do. And I've also found that I'm not getting out of the program what I used to get. When I heard this quote I immediately made the connection.

When I spoke with my sponsor about this, he reminded me that I didn't need to go out to restart my program. There are always newcomers who need sponsors, meetings that need help, and I could always add a meeting or two. And the good news is that as soon as I start doing what I did, I start getting what I got. So if you're not feeling it these days, just think back to what you used to do and start doing it again.

July 22, 2013

Quote of the Week

"The degree of my anxiety is a measure of
my distance from God."

Before recovery, anxiety was the master of my life. Without a relationship with God, I faced life alone and was in constant fear of not getting my needs met or of losing something I had so desperately fought to get. The past was a constant source of regret and shame, and the future was filled with countless unknown dangers that would surely overwhelm me. All this made the present intolerable.

When I entered recovery, I brought my constant obsession with the past and future into the rooms with me. My sponsor taught me about living one day at a time, and he showed me that was where I would find God - today, right here, right now. He told me that if I could get present and so be in the presence of God, my anxiety would go away.

This was simple advice, but not so easy to do. The more I worked at practicing it, though, the more I found it to be true. Over the years I've found that the more I use the tools of the program - prayer and meditation, pausing and asking for God's guidance, and acknowledging in the moment that God is here - the more I find myself in the peace and serenity of God's presence.

Today I use the degree of my anxiety to measure my distance from God.

July 29, 2013

Quote of the Week

"You can't experience victory if you refuse to surrender."

Boy, that surrender thing was (and sometimes still is) a hard thing for me to accept. I mean, how could I possibly win or succeed at something if I'm told to give up and surrender? I've always been taught that the things worth having were worth fighting for, yet the program told me to surrender. What was up with that?

I remember trying to figure this out when, during a meeting, I heard someone define surrender this way: "Surrender means laying down your arms and joining the winning side." Suddenly it made sense. I looked around at all the winners who had surrendered and overcome their addiction, and I realized that if I stopped fighting, stopped resisting, and surrendered too, then I could recover as well.

Today I have come to see the wisdom in the saying, "We ceased fighting anything or anyone." I now understand that the majority of my pain and discomfort comes from fighting and resisting things as they are, and that immediate peace and serenity are mine the moment I surrender. Once surrendered, I can pray for the right thought or action, and the solution always comes if I remain open to it.

Today I understand the saying, "You can't experience victory if you refuse to surrender."

August 5, 2013

Quote of the Week

"Find someone you can tell the truth to; we don't do this alone."

Over the 12 months when my life crashed around me, I shut myself off more and more from the people I knew. On those rare occasions when people who knew me asked how I was, I lied and told them I was fine. The truth was that I was isolated, desperate and utterly without hope. I knew the end was near, and I didn't care; in fact, when it came I was actually relieved.

When I entered the program, my life became the antithesis of what it had been before. Rather than isolating, I went to meetings; instead of eating alone, I went out with groups of people afterwards; and instead of lying about things being fine, I learned to speak my truth and tell people what was really going on with me.

Today I know that the only way I can stay comfortable in my own skin is by letting other people into my life and sharing with them what I'm going through. Alone, my head will still lie to me, but when I reach out to others and tell them honestly what I'm thinking, feeling or doing, that's when the miracle of recovery takes place.

Today I know the importance of finding someone you can tell the truth to, because we can't, and don't, do this alone.

August 12, 2013

Quote of the Week

"God has only three answers to your prayers:
Yes
Yes, but not now
No, because I have something better for you."

While the 11th step teaches us to pray only for the knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out, there will invariably be times when we are sure we know what's best and will pray for a desired result or circumstance.

This is the moment that self will has crept back in. Having momentarily forgotten that we had rarely been truly happy when we got what WE wanted, what we need is a way to get back to the wisdom of the 11th step. And this quote provides that.

By keeping these three answers in mind, we're able to release expectations from our prayers and truly surrender ourselves to God's will. Through surrender we find faith and faith leads us to the sure knowledge that God's will for us is always better than our own.

August 19

Quote of the Week

"Am I interfering in the experience God wants them to have?"

Before recovery in Al-Anon, I always thought I knew what was best for everyone. I spent a lot of time working behind the scenes trying to control and manipulate situations and people, sure that if only I could get you to do what was right, then I could help you avoid getting hurt and both your life and mine would be better.

After years of this exhausting strategy, I dragged myself into the program and admitted defeat. Not only were you not taking my advice, but I was growing even more miserable than I was making you. When I asked my sponsor what was wrong with trying to protect those I loved, he told me that denying people the dignity of learning and growing from their own experience never helped anyone, and that all I was really doing was interfering in the experience God wanted them to have.

It took me many years to understand the truth and wisdom in these words. Today though, I know that we each have our own path and our own Higher Power, and I realize that my job is to try to improve my own life, to set a healthy example, and to love you unconditionally.

Today I've learned that all experiences are teachers and that it's up to each of us to learn our own lessons.

August 26

Quote of the Week

"The ONLY thing that can ever make me drink again is untreated alcoholism."

There is a lot in this quote. First, it reminds me that no matter how much time I have, I also still have the disease of alcoholism. Like someone once said, after each day I stay sober, at night alcoholism is in the closet doing pushups and by morning it has grown stronger.

This is why, each day, I have to do something to strengthen my recovery and treat my alcoholism. I can go to a meeting, talk to another alcoholic, work the steps or be of service in some other way. Each of these activities help to keep me spiritually fit, and only by developing, maintaining or growing my spiritual life can I effectively treat my alcoholism.

This quote also reminds me that other people's untreated alcoholism is a danger to me as well. If I'm not spiritually fit, then I'm vulnerable to the influence, the resentment, the lure and the romance of others alcoholism. In these, and many other ways, alcohol truly is cunning baffling and powerful.

Only by constant vigilance and treatment of my alcoholism can I remain sober and recovered.

September 2

Quote of the Week

"It's OK to look back, just don't stare."

A few weeks ago my brother published a memoir about the early years of our family's life in this country (we emigrated from England in the late 50's). It tells the story of the rapid and painful breakup of our family due to my father's alcoholism, and there are some harrowing scenes that were painful for me to read. When I finished the book, I was pretty shaken up, but after a few days I felt myself again. I was grateful for this and remembered that it wasn't always this way.

Before recovery I was lost in the resentment, fear and misunderstanding of my upbringing. I spent many years secretly wishing it had been different, and many more hating what had happened and what had been done to me. When I looked back on it I would dwell on the wrongs that had been done, and the loathing I had for "them" soon turned into the self-loathing of my own alcoholism. Without recovery, it surely would have destroyed me as it had my family.

Through recovery, I have learned to sift through my past to find the lessons and even the gifts it has to offer. I know now that my upbringing and my experiences allow me to help others in a way that no one else can. This is one of the miracles of recovery. Today I don't have to relive my past, but I don't have to shut the door on it either.

Today I know that it's OK to look back, as long as I don't stare.

September 9

Quote of the Week

"The key to my serenity today is directly linked to my ability to stay in the moment--to be in the present."

And this is because God is only here with me now. As soon as my thoughts take me away from the present, and I begin to either dwell on the past and think of what could have been or regret what I did or didn't do, or when I begin to obsess on the future and worry about what will or won't happen, I have abandoned God and I'm all alone.

And by myself, I am powerless and quickly become overwhelmed by fear and worry or by anger and resentment.
Today, my serenity is directly linked to my relationship with my higher power, and I strengthen this relationship throughout the day by returning to the present.

One of my favorite ways of doing this is to follow the advice on page 87 of the Big Book: "As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day 'Thy will be done.'"

As soon as I bring myself back to the present, and get connected to my Higher Power, serenity returns and I know that I'm going to be OK.

September 16

Quote of the Week

"Once you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

I've always heard that alcoholism is a disease of perception. For example, when I first got sober I kept hearing that it was a disease, but I never really saw it that way. Once I started to work my program and learned more about it though, I began to look at it differently, and sure enough it changed! I now see it as the disease it is.

As I continued to work my steps and recovery, I began changing the way I looked at a lot of things and they, too, began to change. For example, my past used to be a source of shame and regret, but when I looked at it as a source of experience, strength and hope that I could use to help another, my feelings about it changed as well. Looking at it this way, I gained a new appreciation for it and my very past seemed to change as well.

Today I know that every situation in life is open to interpretation depending on how I choose to look at it. To help me gain perspective, I sometimes pretend I'm part of a debating club and have been assigned the task of building a case for the opposite point of view. Forcing myself to look at something differently changes my opinion and, seemingly, the thing itself.

It always comes back to how I look at things. Once I change that, everything else changes as well.

September 23

Quote of the Week

"The less full of ourselves we are, the more room there is for others."

During my first year of recovery I worked as a municipal bond broker, and I hated every minute of it and barely made enough money to survive. As I drove to a meeting one night I was obsessed over a big deal I had just talked someone into, and I was worried sick that the prospect might cancel the order. As I drove along consumed with self-centered fear, I had a moment of clarity.

From out of nowhere my thinking shifted to today's quote - I had heard it a few weeks before - and I suddenly knew exactly what it meant. I realized that if I arrived at the meeting obsessed with this deal then I wouldn't be present for the people at the meeting who needed my time and attention. In that instant I had my first God shot, and I've remembered that lesson to this day.

Today I realize that thinking less about myself not only helps me to feel better, but it does something even more important - it allows me to be present for others and so enables the miracle of God and the program to work through me. I also know that my only hope for long term recovery and happiness depends on my continued ability to be of service to others.

That's why today I try to make more room for others by being less full of myself!

September 30

Quote of the Week

"The minute I take control, that's when I lose control."

I used to try to control my drinking and using all the time. I'd give myself a limit as to how many drinks I would have; I'd practice drinking a glass of water between cocktails; I would use only on the weekend (that didn't work because soon Friday and then Thursday became part of the weekend), and on and on. What I found was that as soon as I tried to control it, I lost control.

When I entered recovery I learned about the concept of powerlessness. Even though I had countless examples of how I was powerless over drugs and alcohol, I secretly hoped that one day I would be able to control and enjoy it. After countless inventories and step work, I learned that I lost that dubious luxury long ago, and that whenever I tried to control my drinking I didn't enjoy it, and when I enjoyed it, I couldn't control it.

Just as I was coming to accept my powerlessness over alcohol, I faced an even more daunting idea - that I was powerless over just about everything else in my life as well. The way I've come to accept this is to take responsibility for my part (my thoughts and my actions) and to leave the rest up to God. This always works, when I remember to work it.

And the minute I don't, the minute I take control, that's the minute I lose control once again.

October 7

Quote of the Week

"You need to spend some time with God this morning and then let your day go."

I can start my day two different ways: the way I usually do which means rushing through my morning preparing for work and thinking (or worrying) about how I'm going to control everything to get what I want, or by sitting quietly in meditation and prayer and turning my will and life over to my Higher Power.

You can imagine how the first way goes. I fight my way through traffic, enter work defensive and resentful and am at odds with others and myself throughout the day. After work I fight my way through traffic again and arrive home exhausted and on edge. If I don't go to a meeting, I take these feelings to bed with me and wake up in an uneasy mood. This is what living in self-will is like.

The second way is definitely the easier, softer way and how different the same day goes when I begin it with God. By starting with prayer and meditation, I connect to God and turn my will, life and day over to His will and care. Relieved of the bondage of self, I now go about my day from the perspective of service, and suddenly my day (and life) takes on a deeper meaning. The result of this is fulfillment, serenity and true purpose. And it all begins with God. And it begins every morning by making the right choice.