April 22, 2013

Quote of the Week

"There are two sure ways to get out of fear - either make a decision or take action."

I don't know about you, but before recovery it was easy for me to be paralyzed by fear. Fear of the past, of the future, of an event or situation - often I would find myself numb, indecisive and unable to do anything except obsess over the numerous negative outcomes awaiting me. Fear dominated my life, and I didn't know how to escape its dark prison. But that changed when I began to recover.

One of the first things I began building when I started working the steps was a spiritual toolkit. The tools in this kit helped me to begin living life on life's terms, and taught me how to handle situations that used to baffle me. And two of the most important tools taught me how to deal with my fears.

The first tool I use to get out of fear is to make a decision. Since most of my fear is in my head and gains power by my obsessive thinking, I find that simply making a firm decision often disconnects the two and so frees me from fear's grip. Decisions usually point to actions I can take which immediately dissolve the fear and put me into a solution. As with all my tools, these are simple and effective but not always easy to practice. But like all spiritual tools in my toolkit, they work when I work them!

April 29, 2013

Quote of the Week

"It's not old behavior if I'm still doing it."

It's easy to let go of things that are causing more pain than pleasure. Like when my drinking and using was killing me, I stopped, and even though it was hard at first, I found that being sober really was the easier, softer way. But I still had a lot of old ideas and behaviors that still worked sometimes, and letting these go was not so easy.

As I sat in meeting after meeting, I would hear that "the result was nil until we let go absolutely", and I never really got it. I mean, I was certainly getting results - I was clean and sober; I got my job back, and I began repairing broken relationships. But there were also times when I was intensely unhappy, irritable, and needed and wanted a drink. It took a long while for me to see that these feelings almost always followed old ways of thinking and behaving.

The longer I'm in recovery, the more I understand the value of steps six and seven. My old behaviors will continue just so long as I remain unwilling to give up the character defects that cause them. But when I do become willing, something wonderful happens - my Higher Power does for me what I can't do for myself - and that is relieve me of my old ways of thinking and acting.

Today I understand when they say, "It's not an old behavior if you're still doing it."

May 6, 2013

Quote of the Week

"If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy."

Gratitude lists have been an important tool in my spiritual tool kit for a long time. Whenever I feel the old self-pity creep back in, I get out a piece of paper, number it from one to fifty, and start making a list of all the things I'm grateful for. While this always makes me feel better, there have been times when I've wished I had a newer car, or a bigger house, etc.. That is why today's quote means so much to me.

No matter how much money, property or prestige I have, there will always be those out there with more. What I am reminded of today is that real riches come from within, and that what gives me the feelings of peace and comfort I seek outside of myself comes from the things money can't buy.

Today I've learned to keep material things to a minimum on my gratitude list. The true riches in my life today start with the gifts of my recovery - the meaningful relationships I have, my connection with my Higher Power, and a true appreciation for all the opportunities I have to be useful to other people. This kind of gratitude list is endless and, when I finish it, I feel alive and vital.

Today, the real riches in my life come from counting and appreciating the things I have that money can't buy.

May 13, 2013

Quote of the Week

"I've learned to say, 'You may be right.'"

Before recovery I thought I knew it all. When someone disagreed with me, I'd argue and go out of my way to set them straight. I loved the saying, "Those people who think they know it all are especially annoying to those of us who do", and in the end I was self-righteous and smug. It's no wonder I didn't have many friends left.

When I began working with my sponsor, I started arguing with him too. At first he listened to me, but after a while he'd had enough. "Why don't you take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth," he suggested. I was too desperate to be indignant, so I followed his advice and began listening to what others were sharing in meetings. And that's when the miracle began for me.

Through listening to the experience, strength and hope of others, I not only learned that my way was not the only way; I learned that it was almost certainly not the right way for you. I learned that others had their own path, made their own mistakes and grew from their own experiences, and I came to see that your opinions were just as valuable as mine.

Most of all I learned to stop arguing because I learned how to say, "You may be right."

May 20, 2013

Quote of the Week

"A God small enough for me to understand wouldn't be large enough for me to trust."

What a stumbling block the "God" thing was for me in the beginning of my recovery. Having been raised Catholic, I was afraid of God and after a while rejected the whole idea outright. I mean, how could there be a God if children got cancer and wars in His name still ravaged the world? And now I was told that my very life and recovery was dependent on my ability to forge a relationship with God? What was I going to do?

The key for me was reframing the God concept as simply a power greater than myself. This put the mystery back in for me, and suddenly I didn't have to understand how God worked, and I didn't have to explain anything either. My proof of God was now clear enough - God clearly could do something that I alone couldn't do - relieve me of the desire to drink and use.

Today my concept and understanding of God doesn't get clearer, it gets more expansive. I've become more accepting of God's will, and time and time again find that things often work out for the best - despite what I initially thought. I've stopped trying to explain who or what God is and know that the infinite reality of the divine will always be beyond my finite understanding. I now know that a God small enough for me to understand wouldn't be large enough for me to trust.

I now know that a God small enough for me to understand wouldn't be large enough for me to trust.

May 27, 2013

Quote of the Week

"The program does for us slowly what alcohol and drugs did for us quickly"

I can clearly remember what I felt like before recovery. I was anxious, on edge, so uncomfortable with my life that I wanted and needed to escape. I can also remember the immediate sense of ease and comfort that came from the first hit of my drugs or alcohol. Suddenly, everything was OK, and the future actually had some hope in it.

This was my solution for a long time, and when it stopped working, I was truly at a jumping off point. In the beginning of my recovery, meetings and fellowship offered me temporary relief from the near constant dread and anxiety I felt. The problem was how to get by in between meetings, and I'll tell you, it was rough going for quite a while.

And that's when I heard someone share that "we go to meetings for relief, but we work the steps for recovery". As I worked my program, I found this to be true. The relief and sense of ease and comfort I used to get through using now began to be part of my every day experience. After a while, I actually had peace and serenity and most of the time felt comfortable in my own skin.

One day I realized that the program had done for me slowly what drugs and alcohol had done for me quickly.

June 3, 2013

Quote of the Week

"I want my Higher Power to live in my heart full time, but He'll only take a 24-hour lease."

It's amazing how good I feel when I get connected to my Higher Power. I do this when I pray and meditate in the mornings, or when I speak to or help someone in the program, or when I attend meetings. I love the peace I feel, the sense of belonging I have and the feelings of being comfortable in my own skin.

It's also amazing how I can wake up the next day and feel so disconnected. I've often asked my sponsor why I can't stay connected, and he tells me it's the same reason I can't stay full after I've eaten a meal. When I ask him to explain, he says:

"Because we are spiritual beings, we all have a hunger to connect with our source. Once connected, we are filled with the peace and serenity that is the nourishment of this union. As we go about our day expending energy - the biggest energy drain caused by thinking about ourselves - we quickly become depleted and hungry. That's why we need to continually take actions to restore our connection and move God back into our hearts."

"Even though my Higher Power will only take a 24-hour lease, I can take actions to renew it daily."

June 10, 2013

Quote of the Week

"You know you'll be back, so why
don't you just stay?"

When I had 93 days of sobriety, I went out. I coped a resentment at my Wednesday night meeting because they ran out of ninety day chips, so I stormed out, went home and drank. I still remember the feelings of relief I had as I drank that big glass of port wine - I was off the program and no longer had to descend into the pit of shame the steps were leading me into. Even so, I also knew there was no other way to recover and knew I'd be back.

After several months of drinking and yet still going to meetings, I finally quit for good. Once again, I started working the program all the while dreading the fourth step. When I got to it and starting making a list of resentments and my part in them, I truly felt I had descended into Hell and was sure that once my sins and secrets were revealed, I would be shunned, abandoned or even arrested.

What I found instead was amazing. Where I thought I would be alone, I found that people trudged the road with me, helped me and even understood. Where I thought I would find the darkest parts of myself, I found my connection to my Higher Power. When I thought I'd be abandoned, I found a great fellowship and know now that I don't ever have to be alone again.

Today, I encourage others who want to go out to stay - you know you'll be back anyway.

June 17, 2013

Quote of the Week

"When I entered recovery, I was dropped into the landscape of Grace."

Before recovery, my life was a living hell. Driven by an obsessive mind and a disease that wanted me dead (and settled for drunk), I was driven by a hundred forms of self-centered fear, and I felt alone and defenseless. I had no tools, no hope, and darkness filled my thoughts and painted my days. Finally, I hit bottom.

When I entered the rooms of recovery, I felt as if I had been lifted out of a sinking life raft, and dropped into a great big, safe ship. Meetings gave (and still give me) support, comfort, hope and help. The program provided me with the owner's manual to the life I had always wanted, and the greatest gift of all was a relationship with a loving and nurturing Higher Power.

Today I begin my days by turning my will and my life over to my Higher Power. By surrendering my will, asking for His guidance, and then seeking to do His work, I experience a freedom, a sense of purpose, and a state of serenity that is beautiful. It is Grace. Today I get to choose to live in this landscape of Grace, and for me that is the miracle of recovery.

June 24, 2013

Quote of the Week

"Relapse begins a long time before you pick up that first drink or drug."

I'm a three meeting minimum a week kind of guy. Anything below that and I begin feeling, well, kind of vulnerable. Oh, not that I'm going to pick up and use, but vulnerable to what my head tells me, and vulnerable to feeling more irritable, restless and discontented. I'm quicker to judge, and I begin storing resentments.

After a few weeks of that, it begins to get harder to make even two meetings a week. Soon I'm not answering my phone very much and calling my sponsor doesn't even occur to me. Work pressures mount, and on the way home you're not driving fast enough, and the parking lot is full, and Blockbuster doesn't have the movie I want. Suddenly the world is out of whack, and the idea of a drink seems not only natural, but completely reasonable as well.

I can't tell you the number of times I've heard people who relapse tell a story similar to the one above. It always scares the heck out of me because there have been times when I've begun to do down that same path. Thank God for my commitments, a strong support group, regular meetings I look forward to, and sponsees who continue to call me.

Today I have four meetings a week I go to - whether I need them or not - because I want to keep the distance between me a relapse as far apart as possible.

July 1, 2013

Quote of the Week

"Don't ruin an apology with an excuse."

Before recovery, I was full of excuses. I didn't do this because... I acted this way because she did that. He deserved it so I gave it to him, etc. On the rare occasion when I was cornered and couldn't justify my behavior, I'd make an apology - but I'd always qualify it with an excuse or at the very least a reason. The bottom line was that I could always place the blame outside of myself.

As I worked through the steps of the program, I discovered a fourth column in the fourth step called, "my part." This column formed the basis of my amends during the ninth step and taught me the proper definition of an apology.

My sponsor told me that when making an amends or an apology, I was to focus strictly on my part, ask if there were any other wrongs I was unaware of, and then ask what I could do to make things better. "You've done enough damage," I can still hear him tell me. "Whatever you do -

"Don't ruin your apology with an excuse."

July 8, 2013

Quote of the Week

"Negativity is my disease asking me to
come out to play."

Before recovery, I had just one voice in my head. Sometimes it was encouraging, even optimistic, but most of the time it was negative and defeatist. It told me things weren't going to get better, so why try? It said things were bad so why not at least feel better by drinking and using? Towards the end, the good part of that voice went away and all I heard was how bad things were and how much worse they were going to get. It's no wonder I hit bottom.

When I entered the program, I heard a lot of talk about the disease of alcoholism. At first my voice told me that was a bunch of crap, and that I was just bad, weak-willed or a loser. But as I got better and the positive voice returned, I discovered it was separate from the negative one. I realized there were actually two voices inside me and I began to understand the disease of alcoholism.

It's taken a long time to nurture and grow the positive voice of recovery, but now I recognize it as the truth spoken to me by my Higher Power. The negative voice is still there sometimes and it surprises me when I hear it, but I know it's my alcoholism, and I've learned to thank it for sharing and then to ignore it.

Today I know that negativity is just my disease asking me to come out to play, and I know now not to listen.

July 15, 2013

Quote of the Week

"If I keep doing what I was doing, I'll keep getting what I was getting."

I remember when I was new to recovery I was very willing to follow suggestions. I went to 90 in 90, and I got a home group, and I got 4 commitments, and I got a sponsor and worked the steps, etc. I did a lot and I got a lot - my life got better, I felt better, situations improved and I began to recover. Even the promises began to come true.

Now that I'm deep in recovery, I find that I'm not as active as I used to be. I still go to meetings and I have commitments, but I find I'm not doing all the things I used to do. And I've also found that I'm not getting out of the program what I used to get. When I heard this quote I immediately made the connection.

When I spoke with my sponsor about this, he reminded me that I didn't need to go out to restart my program. There are always newcomers who need sponsors, meetings that need help, and I could always add a meeting or two. And the good news is that as soon as I start doing what I did, I start getting what I got. So if you're not feeling it these days, just think back to what you used to do and start doing it again.

July 22, 2013

Quote of the Week

"The degree of my anxiety is a measure of
my distance from God."

Before recovery, anxiety was the master of my life. Without a relationship with God, I faced life alone and was in constant fear of not getting my needs met or of losing something I had so desperately fought to get. The past was a constant source of regret and shame, and the future was filled with countless unknown dangers that would surely overwhelm me. All this made the present intolerable.

When I entered recovery, I brought my constant obsession with the past and future into the rooms with me. My sponsor taught me about living one day at a time, and he showed me that was where I would find God - today, right here, right now. He told me that if I could get present and so be in the presence of God, my anxiety would go away.

This was simple advice, but not so easy to do. The more I worked at practicing it, though, the more I found it to be true. Over the years I've found that the more I use the tools of the program - prayer and meditation, pausing and asking for God's guidance, and acknowledging in the moment that God is here - the more I find myself in the peace and serenity of God's presence.

Today I use the degree of my anxiety to measure my distance from God.

July 29, 2013

Quote of the Week

"You can't experience victory if you refuse to surrender."

Boy, that surrender thing was (and sometimes still is) a hard thing for me to accept. I mean, how could I possibly win or succeed at something if I'm told to give up and surrender? I've always been taught that the things worth having were worth fighting for, yet the program told me to surrender. What was up with that?

I remember trying to figure this out when, during a meeting, I heard someone define surrender this way: "Surrender means laying down your arms and joining the winning side." Suddenly it made sense. I looked around at all the winners who had surrendered and overcome their addiction, and I realized that if I stopped fighting, stopped resisting, and surrendered too, then I could recover as well.

Today I have come to see the wisdom in the saying, "We ceased fighting anything or anyone." I now understand that the majority of my pain and discomfort comes from fighting and resisting things as they are, and that immediate peace and serenity are mine the moment I surrender. Once surrendered, I can pray for the right thought or action, and the solution always comes if I remain open to it.

Today I understand the saying, "You can't experience victory if you refuse to surrender."